King of the Mountain
I was thinking this morning of the phrase that Paul used in 1 Timothy chapter 1, when he calls himself "chief among sinners" depending on which translation of the Bible you use. I think I know how Paul felt. There are many times I feel like I am the "king of the mountain" when it comes to sin. Only in this game of "king of the mountain," the person who is the one on bottom seems to be the winner, getting crushed by the weight of guilt. Not exactly a competition that any of us want to win, is it?
Sort of like the brother who stayed in the parable of the prodigal son...I can understand how he felt..."Hey! I did everything you wanted, but he gets to share in the glory?! That's not fair!" yet, at the same time, I also feel like the brother who left and returned repentant. He was probably feeling like HE was chief among sinners when he came home. He was willing to be the lowest servant in his father's home and his father returned him to the status of son because he was truly repentant! I wonder at the combination of burning shame and bittersweet happiness he must have felt at his father's mercy.
The centurion in Matthew 8 who wanted his servant to be healed must have felt like chief among sinners and repented of those sins when he said, "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and he shall be healed." I imagine the regrets he must have overcome to come before Jesus and ask for something he knew he was not worthy to receive. I wonder at what he must have said to himself to move forward to draw Jesus' attention...did he tell himself, "The worst he can tell me is, 'No'?" or because of the confidence he had in Jesus' ability to heal, did he fear that by asking, he might call wrath down upon himself for being unworthy to ask? He was throwing both himself AND his servant upon Jesus' mercy when he asked for Jesus to heal his servant.
It had to have been hope that drove the prodigal son home and it had to have been hope that sent the centurion to Jesus. I started thinking about how much easier it is for me to have grace for others BECAUSE I am chief among sinners. How can I possibly condemn someone else when I am so unworthy myself? Paul tells me that I shouldn't hate myself, but the sin IN me...and I do hate the sin in me. I often fall short of being who I know God wants me to be. It doesn't keep me from trying that much harder to be the person he wants me to be, but even if I break the law...I repent and am willing to do whatever it takes to make restitution for my actions. How can I hate the sin in me without hating myself and not do the same for someone else facing those same trials I am facing? I have HOPE that God will forgive me for falling prey to my sins, I have the same HOPE for all of us that we can be forgiven when we show God our true repentance.
But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your sins. (Mark 11:25)
"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Luke 6:36-38)
Because I am king of the mountain when it comes to sin, I sit at the bottom of the hill, knowing that I am not worthy to be at the top, but I will help anyone else up who wants to go there and I have hope that the mercy I show to others will be shown to me.
Sort of like the brother who stayed in the parable of the prodigal son...I can understand how he felt..."Hey! I did everything you wanted, but he gets to share in the glory?! That's not fair!" yet, at the same time, I also feel like the brother who left and returned repentant. He was probably feeling like HE was chief among sinners when he came home. He was willing to be the lowest servant in his father's home and his father returned him to the status of son because he was truly repentant! I wonder at the combination of burning shame and bittersweet happiness he must have felt at his father's mercy.
The centurion in Matthew 8 who wanted his servant to be healed must have felt like chief among sinners and repented of those sins when he said, "Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and he shall be healed." I imagine the regrets he must have overcome to come before Jesus and ask for something he knew he was not worthy to receive. I wonder at what he must have said to himself to move forward to draw Jesus' attention...did he tell himself, "The worst he can tell me is, 'No'?" or because of the confidence he had in Jesus' ability to heal, did he fear that by asking, he might call wrath down upon himself for being unworthy to ask? He was throwing both himself AND his servant upon Jesus' mercy when he asked for Jesus to heal his servant.
It had to have been hope that drove the prodigal son home and it had to have been hope that sent the centurion to Jesus. I started thinking about how much easier it is for me to have grace for others BECAUSE I am chief among sinners. How can I possibly condemn someone else when I am so unworthy myself? Paul tells me that I shouldn't hate myself, but the sin IN me...and I do hate the sin in me. I often fall short of being who I know God wants me to be. It doesn't keep me from trying that much harder to be the person he wants me to be, but even if I break the law...I repent and am willing to do whatever it takes to make restitution for my actions. How can I hate the sin in me without hating myself and not do the same for someone else facing those same trials I am facing? I have HOPE that God will forgive me for falling prey to my sins, I have the same HOPE for all of us that we can be forgiven when we show God our true repentance.
But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your sins. (Mark 11:25)
"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Luke 6:36-38)
Because I am king of the mountain when it comes to sin, I sit at the bottom of the hill, knowing that I am not worthy to be at the top, but I will help anyone else up who wants to go there and I have hope that the mercy I show to others will be shown to me.
posted by Dancer | 12:42 AM
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