Please Forgive Me...

As I have mentioned before, several years ago my husband and I attended a Marriage Encounter weekend.

During that weekend, one of the subjects that came up (I don't remember the context) was how to apologize to one's spouse.

Often, during or after an argument, one person would say, "I am sorry you felt that way."

Another 'apology' was "I am sorry that you misunderstood me."

One of the points made was that neither of these statements are actually an apology. They are not repentant. Both statements start with "I am sorry that YOU..." That isn't repentance, that is blame. When you make blame look like repentance, I think that is repentance abuse.

My least favorite of the false repentance statements is, "If I misunderstood you, then I am sorry." That says to me, "I still don't think I did something wrong. It is YOUR fault for not making yourself clearer, not MY fault for being too sensitive."

I don't want false repentance. I would rather not have any apology at all if I am only going to be offered false repentance.

If I am really repentant, then I am aware of what I did wrong, of how it hurt the person who I offended and I will make an effort to make the person whom I have offended know that I really want that person to forgive me. I want to heal our relationship, not damage it further.

I have committed repentance abuse. When I use it, I am using it with deliberation. I am carefully phrasing it so that no one will misunderstand me and think that I think I have done anything wrong. I think my false repentance is either based in pride, a complete lack of understanding for what the person who was hurt by my actions felt, or a desire to simply divert the argument so that I don't actually have to apologize. When I do it, I am trying to look good for others ("Look at what a good Christian I am, I apologized!") and I demean the person who deserves my apology. ("Why won't he/she accept my apology?")

When I use it, I am aware that it is not really an apology. I wonder if others who use it know it is not really repentance? I see people use it in these forums and in real life and I wonder if they are aware that what they are saying is that they are not really sorry for anything. I know that when I use it, I am not really sorry for anything.

In our Marriage Encounter, they instructed us that love truly DOES mean never having to say, "I'm sorry." However, it does require saying, "Please forgive me. I wronged you. This is how I wronged you. I cannot promise I will not do it again, but knowing that it hurt you hurts me. I will make every effort not to do it again."

I have found over the years that those words apply in more situations than just with one's spouse. I feel better when I use those words with my children, with my friends, with family and even with people I interact with online.

Luke 17:3-4
So watch yourselves.
"If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him."

Acts 3:17-20
"Now, brothers, I know that you acted in ignorance, as did your leaders. But this is how God fulfilled what he had foretold through all the prophets, saying that his Christ would suffer. Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord, and that he may send the Christ, who has been appointed for you—even Jesus.

Amen.