People: It's what is NOT for dinner
As a very young child, I lived in a trailer park. I remember that at the top of the hill behind our trailer, there was a family and their daughter Amy was about my same age. I was a lonely child and I would ask my mom if I could go to her house to play whenever I could. I am sure that I did traumatic things to her and I do not excuse those things, but as memories go there are two incidents with Amy that were so traumatic for me that I still remember them and they still affect me today.
I do not recall if Amy ever came to my house to play, but the way I remember our relationship is that whenever I went to her house I would always end up unhappy because she would not share. I remember being in her bedroom and wanting to play with one of her toys. She refused to let me play with any toys and would grab anything from my hand that I would pick up. We started bickering and she bit me because I was arguing with her. I remember her father ended up taking me home. While traumatic because it is the only time I ever remember being bitten, I think the reason I remember it so vividly is because this was typical behavior for Amy and her mother would always say that it was my fault if we were playing at her house. Even Amy biting me was my fault in her mother's opinion because if I hadn't been arguing with Amy over playing with her toys, she would not have bit me. I remember my mom asking me why I would want to play with someone who treated me like that and as an adult I can describe the feeling I had as lonliness, but I could not have communicated that to her at the time.
Time passed and as things like this go, Amy and I eventually made up. Another day I went up the hill to her trailer to play in her yard and her mother brought out drinks for us in the Tupperware cups that all the moms had during that time. We giggled and talked while drinking our kool-aid and then Amy said, "Watch this" and suddenly hauled back with her arm and smashed the glass on the screen door with her Tupperware cup. It was frightening. Her mother came out and asked, “Who did it?” Amy pointed at me. I was shocked that she would lie and started crying when her mother sent me home, but I was sure that the truth would eventually come out.
Within a few days, I went up the hill to ask Amy to play. When I arrived, the broken screen window was being replaced and Amy told me that she was not allowed to play with me anymore. I asked her why and she said that it was because I broke the glass. When I started to argue with her and point out that she was the one who broke the glass, she shrugged her shoulders. Her mother saw me and told me to go home. I remember crying when I went home because I was being punished when I did not do anything wrong. I could not believe that my friendship meant so little to her that instead of telling the truth so that we could play together, she would maintain her lie. I was never allowed to play with Amy again.
To this day, I worry about how something appears on the outside to others because I do not have a problem receiving just punishment if I did something wrong, but being punished when I did not do something wrong offends me deep inside and literally causes me emotional pain.
I think back as an adult on how those incidents affected who I am today and I think of how God was even at work then in my life. God knew that being blamed for that and feeling that punishment would stay with me as hard lessons always do. It even influences the kind of parent I am today, because I do not want to be a parent like Amy's mom. Her mom refused to believe her child could do wrong. I know that Amy behaved worse and worse because she knew she would get away with it and she knew she would get away with it because her mother made excuses for her behavior and refused to see her child’s faults. That did not help Amy to become a better person because no matter what she did wrong, she faced no consequences for her actions.
It also influenced my opinion of lying to get out of trouble. After that, I could not lie about something if I thought someone else would suffer the consequences for my actions. I am not saying that I did not lie, but I would not let anyone think that someone else was at fault for something I did wrong.
I do not know if the story I heard was true, but I was thinking of this incident when I heard that Jeffrey Dahmer said that he was never told by anyone while he was growing up that killing people and eating them was wrong. Not that a parent would normally think as his or her child is growing up that telling the child, "We don’t eat people" is actually necessary, but I wonder if he lived in a home where nothing he did was wrong so eating people would naturally be OK if that is what he wanted to do. I wonder what kind of limitations his parents did give him growing up.
Everyone needs limitations. People need to hear what they should NOT do, even when the culture they live in says it is ok. When it comes down to it, is that not what God did when He ended human sacrifice? God had to come out and say, "Abraham, it is not necessary to kill your son." All the other societies said, "Killing your children is fine" and "There is nothing wrong with human sacrifice." All the neighbors might have thought it was ok, but it was a limitation that humanity needed. Good parents give their children limitations, whether the limitations are, "You have to eat your dinner to get potato chips for dessert", "do not touch the stove", “you have to clean your room if you want to go out with your friends” or “do not eat people.” Limitations are the gift of a person who loves you wanting you to be more than what you are...not for them, but for YOU.
So the next time your feel like someone is criticizing you, remember that the person is just sharing the world of their limitations because he or she loves you and wants you to be the best you that you can be. The next time your child does something wrong, remember that he or she will become an adult you can be proud of due to the love you show, through the just punishment you bestow. Every one of us is a better person for the limitations we have been taught.
Psalm 119:124
Deal with your servant according to your love and teach me your decrees.
John 14:23-24
Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.
God bless you.
I do not recall if Amy ever came to my house to play, but the way I remember our relationship is that whenever I went to her house I would always end up unhappy because she would not share. I remember being in her bedroom and wanting to play with one of her toys. She refused to let me play with any toys and would grab anything from my hand that I would pick up. We started bickering and she bit me because I was arguing with her. I remember her father ended up taking me home. While traumatic because it is the only time I ever remember being bitten, I think the reason I remember it so vividly is because this was typical behavior for Amy and her mother would always say that it was my fault if we were playing at her house. Even Amy biting me was my fault in her mother's opinion because if I hadn't been arguing with Amy over playing with her toys, she would not have bit me. I remember my mom asking me why I would want to play with someone who treated me like that and as an adult I can describe the feeling I had as lonliness, but I could not have communicated that to her at the time.
Time passed and as things like this go, Amy and I eventually made up. Another day I went up the hill to her trailer to play in her yard and her mother brought out drinks for us in the Tupperware cups that all the moms had during that time. We giggled and talked while drinking our kool-aid and then Amy said, "Watch this" and suddenly hauled back with her arm and smashed the glass on the screen door with her Tupperware cup. It was frightening. Her mother came out and asked, “Who did it?” Amy pointed at me. I was shocked that she would lie and started crying when her mother sent me home, but I was sure that the truth would eventually come out.
Within a few days, I went up the hill to ask Amy to play. When I arrived, the broken screen window was being replaced and Amy told me that she was not allowed to play with me anymore. I asked her why and she said that it was because I broke the glass. When I started to argue with her and point out that she was the one who broke the glass, she shrugged her shoulders. Her mother saw me and told me to go home. I remember crying when I went home because I was being punished when I did not do anything wrong. I could not believe that my friendship meant so little to her that instead of telling the truth so that we could play together, she would maintain her lie. I was never allowed to play with Amy again.
To this day, I worry about how something appears on the outside to others because I do not have a problem receiving just punishment if I did something wrong, but being punished when I did not do something wrong offends me deep inside and literally causes me emotional pain.
I think back as an adult on how those incidents affected who I am today and I think of how God was even at work then in my life. God knew that being blamed for that and feeling that punishment would stay with me as hard lessons always do. It even influences the kind of parent I am today, because I do not want to be a parent like Amy's mom. Her mom refused to believe her child could do wrong. I know that Amy behaved worse and worse because she knew she would get away with it and she knew she would get away with it because her mother made excuses for her behavior and refused to see her child’s faults. That did not help Amy to become a better person because no matter what she did wrong, she faced no consequences for her actions.
It also influenced my opinion of lying to get out of trouble. After that, I could not lie about something if I thought someone else would suffer the consequences for my actions. I am not saying that I did not lie, but I would not let anyone think that someone else was at fault for something I did wrong.
I do not know if the story I heard was true, but I was thinking of this incident when I heard that Jeffrey Dahmer said that he was never told by anyone while he was growing up that killing people and eating them was wrong. Not that a parent would normally think as his or her child is growing up that telling the child, "We don’t eat people" is actually necessary, but I wonder if he lived in a home where nothing he did was wrong so eating people would naturally be OK if that is what he wanted to do. I wonder what kind of limitations his parents did give him growing up.
Everyone needs limitations. People need to hear what they should NOT do, even when the culture they live in says it is ok. When it comes down to it, is that not what God did when He ended human sacrifice? God had to come out and say, "Abraham, it is not necessary to kill your son." All the other societies said, "Killing your children is fine" and "There is nothing wrong with human sacrifice." All the neighbors might have thought it was ok, but it was a limitation that humanity needed. Good parents give their children limitations, whether the limitations are, "You have to eat your dinner to get potato chips for dessert", "do not touch the stove", “you have to clean your room if you want to go out with your friends” or “do not eat people.” Limitations are the gift of a person who loves you wanting you to be more than what you are...not for them, but for YOU.
So the next time your feel like someone is criticizing you, remember that the person is just sharing the world of their limitations because he or she loves you and wants you to be the best you that you can be. The next time your child does something wrong, remember that he or she will become an adult you can be proud of due to the love you show, through the just punishment you bestow. Every one of us is a better person for the limitations we have been taught.
Psalm 119:124
Deal with your servant according to your love and teach me your decrees.
John 14:23-24
Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.
God bless you.
posted by Dancer | 8:45 PM
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