Forgive me for I knew not what I did

I was looking at classmates.com tonight and I started thinking back to people I knew at different points in my life.


I thought about the person I was when I knew them. I thought about things I said and did. Some things I did I am not ashamed of, some things I did and said I am not proud of though.


I thought about how those people would see me now. There are people who knew me in high school who thought I was 'sweet'. There are also people in high school who thought that I was not sweet. Interestingly, the people I first thought of when I typed those words were the cheerleaders on the squad I was on. I was told that I was 'too nice' and that 'no one is REALLY that nice' and since I wasn't gossipping with them, I must be gossipping about them. That led me to choose to change for the worse and snipe and gossip too. Me and my self righteous cheerleader haughty self decided that if my friends said it or did it, I could say or do it. Wrong!

My mom told me about sex when I was in third grade and told me that I should never let a boy hug me or kiss me because all they wanted was sex or to feel my private parts. My dad and brother were boys in my reasoning, so if they wanted to hug or kiss me, it was to feel my boobs. There was no separating affection from sex. It was all one and the same. So I wouldn't kiss my dad or my brother, not even goodnight. I wouldn't hug them either. My parents started fighting because my mom finally had to make me kiss my dad goodnight (and it made me sick to my stomach).

I had no education in understanding relationships and the education that I did have was confusing to me. I had trouble with understanding how my mom could swear that I could not trust the boys in my youth group (because they might rape me) when they were some of my very best friends in the world and treated me like a little sister. I had no idea who to ask because I was considered naive by my friends as it was and sex isn't exactly a subject that teens are going to be comfortable discussing at church or in front of 'adults'.

I was upset with my friend in fourth grade for telling me the reason I had few friends was because I was a whiner, but my mom told me that she did me a favor and was really a good friend for telling me that and I should take it as constructive criticism.

So...I told my best friend in sixth grade that her house smelled like cat pee so that was probably why she didn't have a lot of friends. My 'best friend' wasn't my friend for much longer after that. I look back on that as an adult and I know that in my heart at that time, I thought I was being helpful, but I know see that I hurt someone because I was an ignorant child.
1) It was a mean thing to say and I probably wouldn't have said it if I hadn't been hurting over something myself
2) Anything I used to justify it to myself isn't good enough because she was a genuine, kind person. Whether her house smelled like urine or not, she was my friend and she was a child who had no more control over the smell of her house than I had over the smell of my house.


In fifth grade, I climbed across the tables that we were sitting around screaming I was going to kill the Pastor's son because I bragged to one of the girls in the class that I had a crush on his friend (and it was bragging) and he overheard me and said he was going to tell. The Sunday School teacher walked in and told me to sit down in my seat (saving both of us). The stupid part is:
1) I didn't have a crush on the guy I said I did...I hadn't even noticed him until a slumber party I went to where all the girls had to say who their crush was and since everyone named him, I went along with it
2) for the rest of the year the boy sent me nasty cursing notes calling me every curse word you can name.


By the time I was in middle school, I was scared to open my mouth because it never failed that the wrong thing came out and I ended up having no friends.


I learned something from every one of those experiences though...


Now, I look back on those things and think, "By making mistakes and being hurt by the mistakes I made, I learned something important." Making mistakes, repenting from them, learning from those mistakes...those lessons lasted. Those lessons have stayed with me my entire life.

I can look at myself in shame and think of what a horrible person I have been my entire life...or I can see the changes God made in me through repentance.

I can be afraid of the person I was, or I can know that I am not that person anymore. I have committed every sin and I have repented of them. I will commit more sins, but I will learn from them and I know that by learning from those sins, I will grow closer to God and I will learn to love my God and my family and my friends and my enemies because each time I have erred, I have hurt myself as much or more than I hurt the person I sinned against. I am sorry and I wish I could go back to every person I have ever hurt and say, "I am sorry I hurt you." I may never have a chance to do that, but I can show the person who hurts me that I forgive them...for they probably didn't know what they did to hurt me and in forgiving those who sin against me, I have the opportunity to be forgiven. Through being forgiven, I have learned forgiveness and so much more. Being forgiven changed me and gave me a chance to make up for the mistakes I made.

I still hurt people. I hurt my husband sometimes. Sometimes I hurt my kids. I don't intend to, but it happens. Love is about forgiving and being forgiven. It is about making mistakes and repenting of them. It is about accepting responsibility for one's actions and forgiving immature choices as people who never learned better and helping those people who want to learn to do better to know how to do better. God lets us learn lessons because he loves us. While we might suffer for our mistakes, our suffering doesn't last forever. My children will make mistakes also, but they will learn from them and be better people for having learned from their mistakes. My friends will make mistakes and I will be hurt, I will tell them, and they will be sad for having hurt me and they will learn from their mistakes. I will hurt my friends and family unintentionally, but people will let me know I hurt them, and I will learn not to do that which hurts those who I care about.


It is about overcoming our limitations, but we can't do it alone. We need the body of Christ to help us. We need to trust the Lord and submit ourselves to him. Through our repentance, we allow Him to change us.

God bless