No real title, just a chat

I know people are reading this because I have this neat stat counter on here now (you can't see it, but it is there) ;) Not that I didn't hope that other people might eventually read it, but this blog is more my way of working out my thoughts than it is for others... I am just hoping that by letting other people read them, they might see something that they identify with or see something new that they hadn't thought about before.

Anyway, since more than just my husband and sister have been reading...I don't know who you are, but I just wanted to explain something about me. I love God. I am selfish, prideful, (at times I can be hateful). I am pretty self absorbed...right now a lot of my relationship with God is about 'me'. I went through a good period of my love of God bearing fruit, but for right now...its about me getting to know him. Listening, learning.

So, if my posts come across as self absorbed, please grant me a little grace. I know that and it is something I am working on...but I am working on some other stuff in real life too, stuff that I won't discuss on here, but it is a little scary and it is stuff that I am just trying to figure out. In the meantime, it helps me to use this blog to work out my thoughts, and if it appears I am pontificating...well, you don't have to read it. ;) For those who don't know...the title is about doing works. Fruit is another word for works. Good fruit is works that we do to glorify God. Bad works (rotten fruit) are works that glorify ourselves.

This is more me working out my relationship with the Lord. I yearn to know him more and this is my way of being able to go back and read things that I understood at one point, that maybe I am not getting now. If I go back and read what I wrote, then I sometimes can get back to bearing real fruit in the world (I hope).

I can't change anyone else. I can only change me. I can pray for others so that God changes them. But hopefully, by asking God to help change me and by praying for them, I get a little closer to him. I forget to ask God to change MY heart sometimes, for a little while. But, when I remember, it brings me full circle again. I get a little peace for a little while.

Lots of "I" in my posts. Sorry.

God bless and thanks for 'listening'.

Intro ~Dark Night of the Soul

Well, I read it and prayed about it. I am reading the book online and you can find it linked in the title.

The introduction includes a brief history and goes in depth into the original premise of St. John's Dark Night. It seems to be a very personal walk with a great deal of introspection.

The first stanza is:

On a dark night, Kindled in love with yearnings- oh, happy chance!- I went forth without being observed, My house being now at rest.

On a dark night, I find it hard to see. As a new believer, there is so much I don't know and yearn to know, but there is joy in what I have discovered so far. Everything has fallen into place. My heart is at peace. I feel the joy of God's presence and it is precious to me.

Getting into the chapter, St. John of the Cross explains the new believer's relationship is very much like a mother and infant. As an infant is not ready for meat, but begins being fed mother's milk, so a new believer is being eased into faith. Initially, the new believer makes sacrifices ...but perhaps for appearances sake? Or to fit the mold of what they think a believer 'should be'? The full focus is not yet on God's view, but still on earthly matters. This time is a time of easy transition, but when the faith is secure...God starts moving and growing...stretching the believer by challenging thoughts and ideas...perhaps some preconceived notions. This is likened to a mother weaning her child from breastmilk and the child beginning to get to the first real food of scripture.

He suggests that the "seven deadly sins" are somewhat of a journey of study for the new believer. One that the believer must recognize within himself and deal with each one within himself individually. He starts with pride.

Meditations on "Dark Night of the Soul"

It has been recommended that I/We (hubby and myself) read St. John of the Cross' Dark Night of the Soul. Before I begin, I want to put a few thoughts down that I have learned through my own experiences of the difficulties we have faced during this...journey. After I read Chapter One tonight, I am going to sleep on it and write tomorrow. I wanted to put a few thoughts down before I begin though...

First of all, I have a new appreciation for Jesus saying, "My God, My God, why have your forsaken me?"

It brings the thoughts of the Footprints poem to my mind.

One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, You said that once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The Lord replied,
"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I Carried You."

At the times I believe I am most forsaken, the Lord is so close to me, he is holding me up, but I cannot see him for my pain. I cannot feel his presence in the loneliness and emptiness I face. Yet, I know he is there. In the absence of 'feeling' God, sometimes it takes a conscious will to KNOW He is present, to trust Him that much.

It reminds me a little of when I spoke of miracles...by that I mean that during God's greatest miracle, the salvation of us from our sins, when God was MOST present, Jesus felt forsaken. I KNOW that I am explaining this poorly, but if I could explain it, rather than sense it, it seems like it wouldn't need to be explained.

When we take our eyes and hearts attention from the miracle and focus instead on the chaos around the miracle, then all we see is the tomb...but when we look directly at the miracle...the EMPTY tomb, instead of seeing an absence, we see a presence. The presence of the miracle...the presence of the angel...the presence of Christ himself. Like the disciples being fearful instead of joyful because they were seeing Jesus dying instead of Jesus dying for us. They were seeing conviction rather than redemption because they were looking at what was going on around the miracle instead of looking, really looking, to Christ.

When we look at the cross, we can see Christ's torment, or we can see his love for us...and our salvation because of that love. In that moment of Christ calling out, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" I am right there with Christ. I deserve to be forsaken, but it was MY sin that he took, and I am present with him when he is suffering for me. But, if I am looking at his torment, I cannot miss his enduring love. His willingness to experience that pain the utter absence...for me.

How dark was Christ's night when he endured my pain, your pain, all of our pain? How deep was the loneliness? How empty? But how close was he there at that moment? The moment of deepest, darkest, emptiness was also the moment of greatest, most enduring love. The moment he felt most alone, the moment he chose to experience that feeling of being absolutely forsaken, was the same moment that he became the personification of perfect love for all of us. Because in willingly taking that on, he was both the personification of perfect love and taking on all the unloving things that he never did nor would do. In the moment of our greatest sorrow, was the same moment of our greatest rejoicing. That was the moment he had every one of us with him...it was in that moment we became the body of Christ.

1 Corinthians 12:27
Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani."

Misunderstanding

Psalm 49:3
My mouth will speak words of wisdom; the utterance from my heart will give understanding.

I sometimes feel so alone and lost.

I become angry.

The people I love, they don't understand what I am going through. I can't explain it to them so that they do understand. When I try to explain it, I make it worse. Then, my frustration leads me to yelling, because if I can't make it clearer, at least I can say it louder.

Not very smart.

I used to just give up. Either they would eventually 'get it' or I would eventually 'get over it'. It lead to a lot of misunderstandings.

Recently, a similar situation occurred in my family. I have been getting sick and trying to avoid saying my concerns out loud. I was really sort of denying it to myself as well. Instead of confronting my fears, I was avoiding them.

It led to a lot of misunderstanding again.

My husband was misunderstanding why I was constantly sick. He was tired of me being sick all the time and was so caught up in big things happening to him, that he didn't see what was happening to me wasn't that I wasn't going to the doctor, it was the doctor giving me medicine that wasn't fixing the problem...it was simply covering one of the symptoms. So I was exhausted and he couldn't see why I wasn't being myself.

My kids were tired of me being sick. They are used to a Mom that is on the go and doing fun stuff with them.

My entire family was getting sick of me.

I am pretty sick of myself.

So, I needed to confront the problem. But, I didn't realize that this problem has been stirring other things up for awhile. So I had to get to the heart of the matter...it has affected my prayer life, my behavior, my family relationships...it has touched every part of me.

A few nights ago, I decided to try to explain some of it, and I kept explaining it over and over again, a little at a time, until we both understood what I was saying. Maybe that sounds crazy, but even though I knew what the problem was, I couldn't put it into the right words so that the people around me understood my heart. I finally was able to get it out correctly tonight, and once I explained it correctly, I felt slightly better.

Once my husband understood, then it was time for my children to understand. I am not certain they understand completely, but at least they understand better than they did. They know I am not simply abandoning them, I am just doing my best to do what I can for them, for all of them.

Matthew 13:15
For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.'

Healing of the spirit comes with understanding. God's word applies to ALL of our relationships, our relationship with Him and our relationships with one another. When we close our hearts and minds to understanding one another, we cannot reach one another, but when we listen, with softened hearts to one another, we heal our relationships and our relationship grows and is more beautiful than ever. It is as beautiful as the Song of Solomon, like the romantic love you remember from the earliest days of your marriage.

Proverbs 17:22
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

My family couldn't understand because they didn't know something was wrong, or they knew something was wrong, but weren't aware of the real problem. The misunderstanding was partially my fault for not telling the people around me what was scaring me, mainly because I didn't want to face it myself. God gave us one another to lift one another up, he gave me a husband to share my concerns with, not for me to shoulder my burdens alone. By trying to carry the burden alone, or by trying to pretend the burden would simply disappear, I made the burden worse...and my empty fear became a burden itself. By explaining my concerns to my husband until he understood, I made my burden lighter and he was able to comfort me...and better yet, was no longer angry, but now he understood why I was behaving the way I was.

I know many women hide their burdens from their families, I want to stress to you that is a mistake. Your family is aware there is a problem, they are not completely selfish and foolish. It is better for you to share your burden with them. Not even Jesus himself carried his cross alone.

Luke 23:26
As they led him away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus.

Simon ultimately became one of the first converts to Christianity.

Pray for God to help you with your burden, but share your burden as well. That is what the body of Christ is here for, so that you know you are not alone.

God bless