Limitations
I find that in my marriage, one of us creates boundaries and the other one stretches the boundaries of the one who created them. This works well in my marriage, oddly, I find that since I noticed it and put a name to it, I see it in other marriages as well.
Now, I am generally the boundary 'creator' and my husband tends to be the boundary 'stretcher'. This is a good thing.
People NEED boundaries. That is why God gave us the law, but God also gave us love in order to properly apply those boundaries he gave us. Marriage is a beautiful example of Jesus himself...the marriage of law and love in one person.
Our boundaries for one another should not be set in stone. They should be handled with grace and forgiveness. Not that they should be limitless, but they should be for our own good and for the good of one another. They should not be used as punishment, but for teaching.
Examples of what I mean are like when my husband returned from Korea...he was in the military and had gotten into the 'drinking' mentality. His family has a history of alcoholism and it concerned me. At a calm time when we were talking on the phone, I mentioned that this concerned me and he told me not to worry because he had no intention of drinking so much when he returned to the States. I asked that he limit himself to no more than two drinks in an evening and those only when he didn't have to work the next day. He agreed.
When he returned home, he attempted to go beyond the limitations he agreed to, and I reminded him of his promise. He was upset during that time because I stuck to the limitation. It even caused a couple of minor arguments. However, later, when it wasn't so important to him and he didn't behave as though he NEEDED the alcohol, I had no problem with him having an occassional drink. The behavior changed, so the limitation changed too.
In the last few years, he made the comment several times that he hadn't realized how addicted he had become to alcohol while he was in Korea. He said to his family at one point, "If it weren't for my wife, I would have come home from Korea an alcoholic." I don't know if that is the case, but I am glad that he saw the difference between me 'ordering him around' and me making a limitation in love.
In the same way, I tend to be a hothead when it comes to myself or my family being unintentionally hurt by someone's inconsideration. I tend to not say anything until I get home and then I fly off the handle expecting my husband to support me 100 percent in my fury over the hurt caused.
He doesn't always support me 100 percent. I am not always right, and he tries to point it out to me. I have to calm down and explain it differently for him to understand what I am saying and by the time I calm down, I usually see that I am making a bigger deal over the situation than it warrants. I am setting my boundaries too short and he is stretching them. When I can calm down, I can identify the difference between a problem and a mistake.
Not that there aren't times that he wants me to move that boundary (like in the first example) but there are also times that the boundary has been moved as far as I am willing to move it, and no further. At those times, because I have willingly moved that boundary in the past, my husband recognizes that I have reached my limit and he takes command. He also recognizes a need for boundaries. Laws are necessary, but love is equally important because mercy is based upon love and none of us are without a need for mercy. We all cross one another's boundaries from times to time. That is why we are blessed with God's grace.
As husband and wife, we are a team. God created us to be one.
Genesis 2:21-22
So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
Genesis 2:24
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Mark 10:6-8
"But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.''For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one.
Now, I am generally the boundary 'creator' and my husband tends to be the boundary 'stretcher'. This is a good thing.
People NEED boundaries. That is why God gave us the law, but God also gave us love in order to properly apply those boundaries he gave us. Marriage is a beautiful example of Jesus himself...the marriage of law and love in one person.
Our boundaries for one another should not be set in stone. They should be handled with grace and forgiveness. Not that they should be limitless, but they should be for our own good and for the good of one another. They should not be used as punishment, but for teaching.
Examples of what I mean are like when my husband returned from Korea...he was in the military and had gotten into the 'drinking' mentality. His family has a history of alcoholism and it concerned me. At a calm time when we were talking on the phone, I mentioned that this concerned me and he told me not to worry because he had no intention of drinking so much when he returned to the States. I asked that he limit himself to no more than two drinks in an evening and those only when he didn't have to work the next day. He agreed.
When he returned home, he attempted to go beyond the limitations he agreed to, and I reminded him of his promise. He was upset during that time because I stuck to the limitation. It even caused a couple of minor arguments. However, later, when it wasn't so important to him and he didn't behave as though he NEEDED the alcohol, I had no problem with him having an occassional drink. The behavior changed, so the limitation changed too.
In the last few years, he made the comment several times that he hadn't realized how addicted he had become to alcohol while he was in Korea. He said to his family at one point, "If it weren't for my wife, I would have come home from Korea an alcoholic." I don't know if that is the case, but I am glad that he saw the difference between me 'ordering him around' and me making a limitation in love.
In the same way, I tend to be a hothead when it comes to myself or my family being unintentionally hurt by someone's inconsideration. I tend to not say anything until I get home and then I fly off the handle expecting my husband to support me 100 percent in my fury over the hurt caused.
He doesn't always support me 100 percent. I am not always right, and he tries to point it out to me. I have to calm down and explain it differently for him to understand what I am saying and by the time I calm down, I usually see that I am making a bigger deal over the situation than it warrants. I am setting my boundaries too short and he is stretching them. When I can calm down, I can identify the difference between a problem and a mistake.
Not that there aren't times that he wants me to move that boundary (like in the first example) but there are also times that the boundary has been moved as far as I am willing to move it, and no further. At those times, because I have willingly moved that boundary in the past, my husband recognizes that I have reached my limit and he takes command. He also recognizes a need for boundaries. Laws are necessary, but love is equally important because mercy is based upon love and none of us are without a need for mercy. We all cross one another's boundaries from times to time. That is why we are blessed with God's grace.
As husband and wife, we are a team. God created us to be one.
Genesis 2:21-22
So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.
Genesis 2:24
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
Mark 10:6-8
"But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.''For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one.
posted by Dancer | 1:58 PM
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